Today I spent in the relative calm that is Manhattan, no bombs, no bullets not a genocide in sight and for once I felt.......out of place. I love NY, I love it so much I travel back every three months to catch up on the exhibits at The Met, to watch a Yankee game, to have good Italian food hard to find a descent place in Indonesia. While on the road in Asia, I pined for NY but as the years pass by I find myself more stranger than anything else, while NY'ers were dealing with 9/11 I was in an airport in Bangkok when I heard the news, I was gonna return to watch the Yankees in the playoffs. Instead I spent the post season in Kabul. As I walked the relative calm of the West Village I find myslef thinking about what was happening half a world away, I know that life moves on, that war and famine stop while I'm away, but I find the relative life of lattes and Kenneth Cole shirts a bit......ridiculous now. Perhaps like an old favorite tee shirt I've outgrown NY, perhaps NY is made for the young and ambitious. Perhaps, my bureau chief was right that the longer I stay at this the more I'll end up 40 in a bar in Manilla and alone. Perhaps this was the life I was destinied for a life less ordinary but also lonely. Perhaps the life I chose is one that requires of me to surrender any dreams I have of a happy typical life. Thus making my cynicism is less naturalo and more of a natrual defense for the inevitable. Perhaps the one thing that needs to be fixed or heal is myself...which brings me to a more complex and scarier question.....will I find someone who will?

On a side to yesterday's blog I would like to reiterate that I am not trying to find in love with Amy Beth just an old friend reconnecting....She perhaps proves to be more interesting the more I think about her, while my Manhattan typical day stroll I had lunch with my firend and photographer Micha, she asked whats on my mind and wondered if it needed therapy, my answer was a girl who fascinates me. To which she said, "uh-oh". It wasn't like that I'm just fascinated that someone like her avoided the pitfalls of society which shows she's a strong girl and most importantly secure in herself to not see her worth in a bikini. Micha said it happens alot and I said really? where? not in NY....she said no more like SF and Wal-Mart territory....(the south). I hate Cali and I can't stand the south....guess I'll be looking for my "soulmate" elsewhere...I hear Eastern Europe is nice.....always had a soft stop for HUngarians and Czech girls..hi Susie hi Lenka, miss you girls......espically you Lenka...heh he hehe

I'm not toxic....just searching still sad...I thought the search was over...cue "Truly Madly Deeply" now.....