Today is Election Day, go out and vote. Take your right abd vote. take the ten minutes and vote on your future. Does it matter? Yes it does. Cause you can't bitch if you don't take part in the democratic process. You can't complain if you can't take time the time to vote. Enough with the apathy and the complaining go out and do something about it. The bad guys are counting on you not caring, they are counting on your apathy and not vote. At stake is the future of the war, the national debt, stem cell research, your jobs, your money you homes and your family. Do what people all over the world wish they had, control over your destiny. I don't care if you're a Reupblican and Democrat, Liberterian I can care less, but for the love God do something besides shrug your shoulders and say" Who cares..."
I often have a picture of Kennedy on my profile its because I believe in what he said a lobg time ago," Some men see things and ask why I dream things that never and ask why not...." Its not cool to not care, its not cool to be clueless, its not ok to believe the hype on MTV, in the end all we are really doing is dumbing ourselves down and then they win, they being people who count on our stupidity and our apathy. Stop wearing a political tee shirt cause its cool, start believing what it says. Screw rock the vote. just vote, why? Cause if you don't they win and when they win and screw us we have no one to blame but ourselves. So get off myspace and vote.

Today I spent in the relative calm that is Manhattan, no bombs, no bullets not a genocide in sight and for once I felt.......out of place. I love NY, I love it so much I travel back every three months to catch up on the exhibits at The Met, to watch a Yankee game, to have good Italian food hard to find a descent place in Indonesia. While on the road in Asia, I pined for NY but as the years pass by I find myself more stranger than anything else, while NY'ers were dealing with 9/11 I was in an airport in Bangkok when I heard the news, I was gonna return to watch the Yankees in the playoffs. Instead I spent the post season in Kabul. As I walked the relative calm of the West Village I find myslef thinking about what was happening half a world away, I know that life moves on, that war and famine stop while I'm away, but I find the relative life of lattes and Kenneth Cole shirts a bit......ridiculous now. Perhaps like an old favorite tee shirt I've outgrown NY, perhaps NY is made for the young and ambitious. Perhaps, my bureau chief was right that the longer I stay at this the more I'll end up 40 in a bar in Manilla and alone. Perhaps this was the life I was destinied for a life less ordinary but also lonely. Perhaps the life I chose is one that requires of me to surrender any dreams I have of a happy typical life. Thus making my cynicism is less naturalo and more of a natrual defense for the inevitable. Perhaps the one thing that needs to be fixed or heal is myself...which brings me to a more complex and scarier question.....will I find someone who will?

On a side to yesterday's blog I would like to reiterate that I am not trying to find in love with Amy Beth just an old friend reconnecting....She perhaps proves to be more interesting the more I think about her, while my Manhattan typical day stroll I had lunch with my firend and photographer Micha, she asked whats on my mind and wondered if it needed therapy, my answer was a girl who fascinates me. To which she said, "uh-oh". It wasn't like that I'm just fascinated that someone like her avoided the pitfalls of society which shows she's a strong girl and most importantly secure in herself to not see her worth in a bikini. Micha said it happens alot and I said really? where? not in NY....she said no more like SF and Wal-Mart territory....(the south). I hate Cali and I can't stand the south....guess I'll be looking for my "soulmate" elsewhere...I hear Eastern Europe is nice.....always had a soft stop for HUngarians and Czech girls..hi Susie hi Lenka, miss you girls......espically you Lenka...heh he hehe

I'm not toxic....just searching still sad...I thought the search was over...cue "Truly Madly Deeply" now.....

It has been too long, needless to say being a Toxic New Yorker doesn't pay the bills hence me in Africa, which by the way while we await pictures of Baby Suri there's a genocide going on and its more than Sudan....but I digress, this blog is about being me...the non-professional me. This is about the manic, somewhat bi-polar me...and this me just go back into contact with his first love.....Amy Beth no last name stalkers you know....anyways.....needless to say 117 countries, 6 continents later I've come to 4 conclusions about life 1. I will die (sad I know) 2. There is a GOD 3. I'm not HIM and 4. Amy Beth is still breathtakingly beautiful.....which is good and bad....
Good because lets face it we all like beautiful people, I know I'm a hypocrite, bad because I'm not good looking which doesn't mean anything but I digress...next paragraph please..

Amy was in essence the hottest girl in school in whatever school she went too....and here's a secret shes also smart...I know this because Amy could have not gone on to college she could have married rich, she could have moved to South Beach and be a swimsuit model, she could have just lived her life as a beautiful persona nd get stuff thrown at her, good free stuff, trips to Aruba and diamond necklaces...but no, Amy defied the odds. See, the odds say that people by nature take the easier route in life, people tend to go and do something easiest for themselves, but not our little Amy, she graduated college and got a Master's in Education and is a teacher.....nice. In the, Jesus Christ 16 years since I last seen her, she has defied the odds. Now if we put aside the beauty she is by far and large one of nicest people I've met, she doesn't curse or that may have changed now, and she loves children and she has one of those smiles that makes you feel sad because its a smile that makes yours look dumb....I would say that even without the beauty I'd still have a thing for her.....moving on.......

This isn't an all out I'm pining for her story..no no......even I know theres a better chance of peace in the Middle East than I your hero dating said hot chick....one look at her myspace page confirms that the genetics Gods screwed me over big....no this post is about how 16 years changes a person. I'm proud that Amy defied the odds, that she didn't sit back and follow the hot girl route I've seen and dated....dating a model bad thing......like owning a sports car, looks great on the street but man what an insurance bill. Rather this blog is about the different roads one takes how the choices we make determine the eventual outcome.

There may be a Grand Scheme, a Grand Design, destiny even, and I am reluctant to believe in soulmates, which by the way Amy still believes in which is the cutest thing I heard this year. To believe in soulmates is to believe in fate, now we may be destinied to find our soulmate but fate being a vindictive person that she is may say to bad little man, your soulmate just walked past you and you didn't stop and say hi. Kinda like destiny can take you to the door but you still have to kncock and go in right? But she still believes in soulmates which in turn made me thnk long and hard about the cynicism that overcame me recently. And that caused me to rethink the soulmate thing...perhaps I've yet to find mine? Neruda didn't find his till he was in his 50's....Then again Hemingway never did.....

So what does this mean for this toxic New Yorker, will I give up on sarcasm and perhaps go back to my lovey dovey ways? Probably not but I may have coffee with Amy......and that will make me smile....and in the end sometimes a smile is a good start.

So what is the moral of this little story, just when you think you have people all figured out someone always surprises you, the best thing about the human race, and as we all know surprises are a good thing.

The what could have beens, the what if's of the world. All the regrets and soul searching we do......then we power shop. Nothing makes us feel better than buying crap we don't really need. I for example have 7 black suits....wait its actually 12. Double breast, single breast, three buttoned, Nehru suits all black all serves no real meaning full purpose except that I look good in a black suit. Which, coincidentally makes me look like i'm always going to a wake. I am a victim of my own hypocrisy. And as Virgina Wolfe always says, humans should always contradict themselves, thank you Nikki Paley of Omaha for that quote. As humans, or rather just because we're over paid Americans, we seek comfort and satisfaction from our material things. It doesn't have to be something worn, it could be a manicure or a facial, a car perhaps, a mid-life crisis convertible at 29. Sadly this has become the norm, seeking salvation through retail means. Why seek inner knowledge when a pair of shoes will suffice? Who wants to look at themselves in a different light and find out who they are when a new shirt frmo Kenneth Cole will do? Who wants alone time when you can go clubbing and order 20 dollar apple martinis amomg people who for the most part just wanna score?
The truth is no one really wants to kow the truth, we surround ourselves with iPods and laptops and designer clothes. In the end are we all as shallow as the people we can't stand? Is that why the cult of celebrity is as big as it is? That in a small way we too can live a celebrity type life by going to the same clubs? wear the same designers? pretend to be fabulous like Paris Hilton and Leonardo? DiCaprio not DaVinci. Why go to a museum or read a book? Those activities are reserved for the well......uncool, like myself. So where does the soul searching of this ranting and raving toxic New Yorker begin? Well, as cliched as I am it all started at a cafe on Bleecker Street sometime at 1am where I was alone and writing like I usually do. It was a calm night in the village, not the usual bridge and tunnel set, the cafe was deserted with only myself and a young girl at the other end of the cafe. While I did not mean to eavesdrop she spoke loud enough that I think people in the East Village heard that she got dumped by her boyfriend, and decided to drown her sorrows with cheesecake and Green tea, a strange combination indeed. Then clarity struck!
I am not as cool as I think I am. Well, I am but thats the fake me persay, deep down I'm a geek. Thats right, me. I like reading and museums. I actually don't like going out clubbing or lounging in Manhattan. I prefer comfy jeans and a sweater and not the dress pants and shirts from Hugo Boss. I can actually discuss history and quantum physics. I'm actually a pretty smart guy, nerd-like even. I do dram the line with role playing games and such but all in all, yeah I'm a geek. Which led me to this....why am I so afraid of myself? Why try and be something I'm not? Then it struck me, I'm a selfish, egocentric bastard. I'm doing all this, to get a really hot girl....then panic stuck.....IU have become my own worse nightmare. Needless to say at 1am I deserted my decaf cafe mocha for a bottle of burgundy.
I am human above and beyond. Secondly I'm a New Yorker everything else is unimportant.....or so I like to believe. The rather painful process of clarity is like unleashing the floodgates. Its one thing to critize others and society but to realize that you yourself are also one of them, then all of a sudden words like hypocrite and fake jump at you. While in the end I have no one to blame but myself, in the end I will blame society for creating this monster. Not just within myself but within us all. We all want acceptence, in some way we all dream of a better life where we are actually anyone else that isn't us. Theres a pressure, a certain sense of expectation placed upon ourselves. To be beauiful, to look a certain way, dressa certain way, behave a certain way....sooner or later while trying to live up to these expectations, we lose ourselves along the way, then it just becomes easier to forget that deep down we are all insecure.
So as I sat there, slowly getting numb with the red wine I had ordered, I am reminded of all my insecurities. So I'm a bit short by American standards.....and I'm Asian, which brings up a whole entire insecurity thing, but lets just say being an Asian male ain't easy. I have chubby cheeks, thanks mom for passing down that bit of DNA. And I overcompensate by dating beautifiul women way beyond what I should be allowed to date, which in the end willend in 3 months and I begin another shallow, destructive relationship. I need a drink now. So thats it. I enter into these shallow relationships because I am shallow and insecure and thats why a leaping leperchaun like myself with a smile a six pack of beer gets lucky. And I wonder why I average 3 months a girlfriend. I find that I'm constantly fighting within myself these two sides of my personality, the shallow selfish prick and the nerd, geeky, humble dork. Shallow and selfish usually wins, usually because I have a weakness for redheads and women with accents. I digress. By 230am and a half bottle of burgundy red later, I still haven't figured out who I am? Perhaps a combination of the two? Like most of us in the world we are always fighting the good angel evil demon on our shoulder conscience. Like most people I'm just trying to seek approval, nay I say......kudos for dating some beautiful or pat on the back for being trendy and popular......like most people damnnit I wanna be noticed.....and the cold sinking feeling of dread set in....I Am Paris Hilton....there is no justice in the world. By 4am, one bottle of wine and an impending hang over ready to set in, I walked over to said girl, who is still at the cafe at 4am, waiting for something anything, I walked over to her and said, "Theres no justice in the world and in the end....we only end up disappointing ourselves....not to mention the guys a prick and you deserve better." She in her teary eyed astonishment, said "Thanks." She had a French accent, I may be in love.....
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Now a purely non- deep moment random thoughts:
Never drink a bottle of wine the hang over is killer. When in doubt quote George Bernard Shaw, it makes you look smart, witty, well-read all in one shot so you can fake intelligence, depth and humor. Things are a privledge not a right, thats to the 300 pound woman who bent over to pick up her cell phone on the downtown 2 train at 4am. Stripper poles should be tax deductable....and a pre-requsite before marriage. Trust me a good stripper pole equals a good lasting marriage, not that I would know. And finally... I may be in love or rather infactuated with someone I never met or talked to or even have a chance in ever meeting which leads me to ask......is that healthy or am I just a borderline stalker?????Ahhh and one last final thing....and this is a purely ego driven request..I've never been stalked a girl, I feel a bit insulted that I haven't been worthy of stalking...any takers on being my first?

So my "date" the other night, if you read the last blog asked why she couldn't find a nice guy like me. Well aside from that this was a date and she forgot she was having a date with a nice guy therefore I was found, but the glaring fact is that she's not alone. I'm always meeting girls who's always asking...."Why can't I find a nice guy?" Well the answer is pretty simple.....nice guys are under the radar. They're not as cool, not trendy hell not even great looking. This is a superficial world we live in, dominated by celebrity and looks and wealth and lets face it a nice guy is not any of those. Oh he's kinda cute, he may not scare small children but a nice guy is not Brad Pitt nor do they have a six pack abs. See nice guys are always either A) taken or B) overlooked. For instance, women, look at your best male friends (the ones who aren't secretly in love with you) the hopelessly single ones anyways and he's kinda round in tha belly, slightly goofy, always joking, always there for ya and well? No attraction, no chemistry, no nothing just warm fuzzy friendly feelings. The next time you go to a cafe, look at the guy sitting there, drinking his mocha and reading or writing. What about the slightly shy guy at school or at work. The one who's always saying hi and asking if you're ok. Odds on he's a nice guy. Odds on he's single, odds on if you're in NYC its probably me. Ah well.Now humans always define themselves by adversity, I mean a relationship a good one (according to some really demented girls I've met) is always full of drama. Well aside from my one mistake, I broke up with my ex's in nice ways we just woke up one morning and realized, "Eh, its not right is it?" I'm still friends with some. See I don't like drama; I rather save arguments for worthwhile ones. In other words as I get older I pick and choose my fights cause sometimes its not worth the drama, though making up is always fun.....Um, anyways, dating a nice guy is well......boring. And I can see why some women don't want boring, but I don't understand women when they say we can't find a nice guy. So let’s keep it real for a sec ok? Lets face it you, me, we all go for superficial looks and stuff. The looks, the body, etc etc etc.And in the end all we get is a see ya. See a superficial relationship will end up in a superficial break up. In other words said hottie will find another hottie and get hot without you.Now I know so women who are reading this and who has someone will defend their man rigorously. But honestly, a nice guy wouldn't break a date to hang with the boys, a nice guy wouldn't get drunk and call you fat, ugly or whatever. And moreover, a nice guy wouldn't treat you like you were second class. Its bad enough the world makes nice guys look like wussies, the last thing a nice guy would do is make someone else feel like that.Obviously dating is a trial and error process, filled with lots of first dates and last dates, full of blind dates and group dates and web dates and such. But dates nonetheless, with real people or at least we think so. And they'll be bad dates and some really good ones, dates that belong in a book of nightmares and some in a book of dreams. They'll be lots of butterflies and nerves, those are good, it lets you know you're still alive. Some of the date’s will be with nice looking guys, moneyed guys, nice guys and bad guys who act nice but after three months bad guy rears its ugly head guy. The I'm so into myself guy, the overly- I cried at Bambi- sensitive guy (though on a side note, Bambi's mom getting shot is pretty F'd up). The i wear too much cologne guy, the open shirt dancing guy, the college frat and future beer belly guy. The guy who can't hold is liquor, the guy who has really bad breath, the guy who fought with his iron and lost guy (dry cleaning dude, think about it). The oh too hip guy (dude we're all getting old you will not always be hip trust me). Yes you women will be dating these guys and guys fear not you will be dating the too much perfume girl, the Prada bag girl, the I'm cute in a geeky way girl, the God life sucks gal (life can't suck that much if you can get out and go on a date, but that’s just me). One of my personal favorite the party girl (seriously partying is cool and do it when your young but seriously anything more than twice a week?) another favorite the I'm too beautiful and sexy to be out with you girl (two words, wrinkle cream. like the hipster guy we are all gonna start sagging soon) and the nice girl. So what's a guy or gal to do while we're all waiting for the "one" to show up? Keep dating keep looking keeping the faith I guess. But for me...I guess I'm just waiting for a gal who is willing to look past the race, the height (DNA really screwed me here) and of course the fact that I'm a nice guy with no baggage no drama and no clue. But that’s why I'm still dating cause if you think dating in your hometown is rough? Try dating in New York and you have to compete with yuppies with expense accounts and drop top BMW's. But we keep going cause a nice guy knows that we may finish last but we finish cause life and love is like a marathon and not a sprint.